Amiri Baraka and Ralph Ellison
said it best. They both embraced the concept of us looking at ourselves from the outside and not liking what we see. I have always been proud of how honest I am, and I wear it as a badge of honor. Lately, however, I have seen that my honesty is nothing more than cruelty and the more I look in the mirror, the more I see, I don't like me. I don't want to be that person that hides behind the line, "at least Im being honest."
I am learning, not just with Q, but with people as a whole, some honesty just doesnt need to be said. It is as the saying goes, you dont have to say everything that comes to your mind. I need to learn to add tact to my honesty. Tee does it better than anyone I know. She wasn't always that way, she had to grow to that maturity as well, but she made it there, while I'm still struggling with it.
My body flipped back and forth having a wrestling match with the sheets, while my mind did the same thing with my truths and untruths. Q didnt come home again tonight, nor did he call. I started letting my mind play with the thought that he was cheating on me.
The room was dark, I could make out the heavier pieces more from memory than from the light shed on them. In fact, the only thing that offered any form of light was the clock's blue light display on the ceiling, 1:47. It was almost two o'clock in the morning and I was wide awake. I couldnt sleep and I couldnt determine if it was Q or Ahmad stealing my dreams from me.
I heard the front door open downstairs then the alarm sound. I sat up straight waiting for either Q or Carnell to enter the code. After a few moments, one of them punched in the keys and it was disabled. I swung my feet to the side of the bed prepared to go downstairs and find out if Carnell was sneaking back in or out. Both Carnell and Camryn had long since admitted that they would sneak people in the house when we were sleeping or sneak out the house entirely. The alarm system made it a little more difficult for Carnell to accomplish this feat. I was becoming more alert and checked into every noise I heard now.
Just as my feet touched the floor, Q walked through the door. I could smell Drakkar before he reached me. I turned on the night light, he looked fresh. He didn't look as if he had just come off the road for two days. His face was freshly shaven as was his head. He was dressed in all black and I cringed as I heard the sound of his shoes click clack across our hardwood floors. When we had them installed, the guy told us to get more life out of them, never walk on them with shoes. I was the only one who took heed to his advice. I didn't want to comment about it since I hadn't seen him in a few days, I wanted him to come home to relaxation.
"You're woke," he said surprised.
"Yeah, I couldnt sleep."
"What, or who's keeping you up?"
"I'm not sure," I said as I stood up and exposed my naked body. Sleeping naked was a habit. Summer, spring or winter, no matter what season, hot or cold it was my only level of comfort. Q smiled, but showed no interest in helping me fall asleep. "How was your trip?"
"It was the same as any other, Lyssa," he said as if he was preparing for an argument.
So much for relaxation, because I was not one to disappoint, I responded with, "It is amazing to me how you are the only man I have ever known to come off of a road trip and look as if their day just started."
"So you would rather I come home looking stank? After you haven't seen me for a few days, the first thing you want to see is me in dirty clothes and unshaved face?"
I had not anticipated him to be so straight forward. I tried to go at it in a different angle. "Well, you are sexy when you're roughing it." I smiled, making an attempt to relax the atmosphere.
Q walked into the closet and began undressing.
"Alyssa, youre a mess."
But you love my mess, right?" I asked with uncertainty as I grabbed my robe off the hook and wrapped my body.
"Lyss," he said as he turned and faced me, "it is two o'clock in the morning, do you ever think that some times, some things dont need to be discussed? I would have been much happier if I had come home and woke or not, the only thing you said was hi, hell you dont even have to speak, just smile. A simple hey baby, glad youre home."
The more he said, the worse I felt, but I had a hard core personality and I rarely let anyone know when they were getting the best of me. Most times I would stew over their words and have a private moment with God before I came back and admitted my wrong. I knew Quan and I didnt need to argue. We had so many other things going on in our relationship that right now, the time that we had together we both should be making every effort to keep it together. I tried to force a smile on my face. I tried to apologize, but with all the effort I gave, the only thing I could muster was a simple, "humph!" I walked back out of the closet, hung my robe back on the hook and got back in bed. As I closed my eyes, I heard Quan say, "Exactly!"
When I opened them again, he was wearing his black lounging pants, which was always an indication that he wouldn't be in the room long. I was right, he walked back out the door he came in. As tempted as I was to follow him and try and make it right for his first night home, especially not knowing how long he would be home for, I didn't. I let my heavy eye lids close and drifted off to sleep. Having Q home always made my mind rest easier.
- Norlita Brown
